Life is Grand!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas!

Well, the big day is finally here! Woo...hoo. Enjoy the funnies.

Ten signs Santa has marriage problems

1. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
2. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
3. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
4. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
5. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
6. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
7. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
8. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
9. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
10. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants

Ten signs you've got a bad christmas tree

1. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
2. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
3. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
4. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
5. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
6. Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
7. It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
8. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
9. Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
10. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"


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